


Turn The Page

by DGCatAniSiri



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23288767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DGCatAniSiri/pseuds/DGCatAniSiri
Summary: A last moment of reflection before the final assault on Earth.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Turn The Page

The Cerberus Base burned in the Normandy’s metaphorical rearview mirror. Shepard was glad to see the place go. A handful of Alliance ships, not equipped for combat, were going to remain on station, strip the place of any potentially useful tech and information. But it was pure skeleton crew. Right now, everyone who could stand up and hold a weapon, man a station on a ship, whatever, was needed for the final assault on the Reapers.

In Earth orbit. 

They were going home at last, but it wasn’t going to be any kind of warm homecoming. This was for the fight of their lives. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Many they were traveling with wouldn’t make it out alive. Given the strength of the Reapers, many of them wouldn’t even be left with enough for a burial. The worst about the aftermath was going to be the scores of empty graves.

To say nothing of the graves empty because of how the Reapers had defiled those bodies and turned them into soldiers for their forces, turning them against their friends and families. 

Shepard was in the midst of a tour of the Normandy, knowing that the fight was reaching its endgame. Whatever was going to happen, however the battle would resolve... It would resolve. He was tired of the fight, glad that it would soon be over. 

“Shepard. Late night?” came Kaidan’s voice. Shepard had left the Observation Lounge where he spent most of his time for the last stop on his tour, knowing that he’d sooner just be here with Kaidan than continue it afterwards.

“Observing an old naval tradition. A tour of the ship before a battle.”

As Shepard took a seat on the couch, Kaidan, reclining on the chair in the corner, having been mindlessly flipping through a book – Shepard doubted he had actually been reading, given everything that was going to happen in a handful of hours – looked at him with a furrowed brow. “If I recall my traditions, isn’t the last tour supposed to happen before a hopeless battle?”

Shepard chuckled – leave it to Kaidan to be the one who’d acknowledge and point out that aspect of the tradition. The non-humans in the crew, of course, weren’t familiar with it, and it wasn’t exactly a well known tradition outside of the command rank officers, something that happened on a regular basis.

He tried not to acknowledge that there might be something of a reason for that.

“I think there was Trafalgar.”

Kaidan scowled. “Nelson didn’t make it back from that.”

“But the battle was won.”

That wasn’t exactly the statement that put anyone at ease, least of all one’s lover. “So you’re thinking that you’re not going to make it out of this? That this is... what, gonna be the last fight for you, that you’ll have to die to stop the Reapers?”

Shepard could lie, could argue, could do a lot of things. But... Well, they were about to get to Earth. Face down the Reapers. “I think it’s probably the most likely way this will end. I... Kaidan, I don’t know if I really can picture a galaxy after the Reapers. I’ve been fighting to stop them for years, but... When that fight’s over, what’s really in the offing for me? If the average life expectancy is about a hundred twenty... I’m barely in my thirties – younger if I don’t count the two years I spent dead... That’s a good ninety years, of being “The Commander Shepard.” Of being “the savior of the galaxy.” And... I don’t know if I can be a figure of history.”

One thing that had always been a strength for Kaidan was keeping his emotions contained, his ability to think things over before speaking. Right now, it looked seriously as if the other man was struggling with a natural response to lash out and berate Shepard for being stupid and selfish.

But it seemed to click for him just what Shepard was getting at. “Your life pretty much has become all about fighting the Reapers, hasn’t it?”

“You count the Cerberus work, I was almost literally built to do it.” Given what they’d seen on the Cerberus base – mercifully now in Alliance hands, likely due to be scuttled after it had been scoured with a fine-tooth comb by the reservists being left there, and assuming that the battle at Earth was won – it was on his mind. He wanted to shove the very thought back down to the deepest recesses of his mind, that he could avoid dealing with that for a very long time – or, depending on the way the fight went, only need to avoid dealing with it for a very short time.

Still, Kaidan shook his head. “Shepard... Just because it’s been what you’ve done to this point, that doesn’t mean it’s the only thing in this world that you have to do.” He offered a supportive smile. “I mean, even if you want to check out from responsibility after all of this... Who’d blame you?”

“Check out from responsibility and do what, exactly? I’m a soldier, Kaidan. What else would there really be for me? Fly a desk until I’m qualified for retirement, according to a bunch of regulations that never took saving the damn galaxy into account? Bank on my name to just take retirement right off, and... do what, for the rest of my life?”

“That’d be up to you, I suppose,” Kaidan said, a gentle smile on his lips. “You’d be free to decide what would come next for you. After the last few years basically telling you that you’re the only one who can solve things... It’d be a galaxy of choice. Your options would really only be limited by-”

Shepard cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Kaidan... I know the speech. It’s the one I know that Hackett or Anderson would throw out there if I spoke about this to them. And it’s not any more realistic coming from my lover.” He looked to Kaidan, their eyes locking. Kaidan could see the haunted look to his expression.

It would haunt him now, too.

“I’ve seen a lot of people die because of this fight. Jenkins. Nihlus. Ash. Pressley. Mordin. Thane. Legion. Dozens, hundreds, thousands of people who I can’t remember, people I never had the chance to learn the names of. I’m still here, but none of them are. I’m the one that Cerberus invested more money than everyone on this ship will ever see to bring back. I can’t even say if I can think of a world where I make it out of this.”

And... Kaidan understood. This fight had taken so much from him. It had taken so much from the galaxy, and yet... For Shepard, it was more parasitic than most. It took and took and took, and... If Shepard could make it out, what would be left? Because he’d spent so much time immersed in the fight, he didn’t even know if he had an identity that existed separate of “Reaper slayer.” That was what the galaxy needed of him.

And, when this was over, if he survived, the galaxy wouldn’t bother putting something back to replace all that it had taken. 

Kaidan wanted to fill that hole. To give him back something – anything – that even began to equal the depths of what had been taken by this fight, by the galaxy’s demands. He wished that were even possible. 

He could recognize that it wasn’t. That this had drained Shepard. 

“A man convinced he’s going to die tomorrow often has a way of making that come true,” he said softly. “Shepard... Whether or not you know how to live a life without the Reapers... I want us to have the chance to build that future. To figure out what the future means for us both.”

The positive was that Shepard summoned a smile. The negative was that Kaidan could tell that he was forcing it, in the name of trying to put his lover at ease. “I’d like that too, Kaidan. I really do. But... I keep thinking... The only way out of this fight...” He trailed off, knowing that the rest of that sentence would only widen this gulf between them right now.

That was the part that Kaidan felt hurt the most. That they both wanted, desperately, to bridge the divide, and yet... If he was honest, Shepard’s idea of not making it out of this fight had a lot of logic to support it. The Reapers had been doing this for, according to the reports, no less than thirty-seven million years, probably longer. In that time, they’d wiped out countless civilizations. As much as Reapers themselves were monuments to pride, their pride had a basis, a reason to exist. All Team Milky Way had, really, was dogged stubbornness, rugged determination, and a longshot hope that countless precursor species had pinned their hopes on and failed to realize.

It might not be wise to bet against the home team, but in this instance, it’d be reasonable for a bookie to refuse to accept to take anyone up on trying those odds.

“It’s not that I intend to go out there expecting that I’m going to die, that it will be the death of me. But... When I think about what victory looks like...” Shepard didn’t sound like he thought his attempt at finding some way to set Kaidan at ease was any more successful than the ones that had come before. 

“...it’s not a picture of you standing triumphant amidst the debris of Reaper hulls?” Kaidan finished for him. Shepard couldn’t meet his eyes at that. 

Still, the last thing Kaidan wanted was for that to be the final word on this. “Look, Shepard... John...” Kaidan sighed. “I know it’s not realistic. I know it’s hard to picture at best. But... I’m going into this, intending to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again. It might not be realistic, but... I lost you once, when we were... When we hadn’t admitted how we feel about each other.” It had been a point that they’d both gone over early on after that date at Apollo’s – there had been the spark of attraction between them during the hunt for Saren, and just sheer dumb bad luck that neither of them had truly been able to verbalize their feelings at the time. Shepard had been Kaidan’s CO, the open attraction that Ashley and Liara had held for Shepard making Kaidan bury his feelings and avoid getting tangled in that mess, a mess that Shepard had done all he could sidestep himself.

Kaidan tried to steady himself, feeling that the idea of losing Shepard – the idea of Shepard not willing to fight for the chance to make it out of this – was going to start him crying, and it wouldn’t be long now before the fleets met to make the final push. The last thing he needed was to be an emotional mess when they were about to enter a combat situation. And he could tell that Shepard felt similar – even the best of soldiers had to manage their emotions, do everything they could to not be ruled by them on the battlefield. 

Especially when they were on the same field of battle as the person they loved.

“Kaidan...” Shepard reached out, taking Kaidan’s hand. There was such familiarity in the gesture, helping to ground Kaidan back in the reality of this moment – not the battle to come, not his fears of losing Shepard, just the fact that right here, right now... They were together. “It’s not that I don’t want that, you know it.” That much was true. Kaidan never doubted Shepard’s feelings for him. “And... Maybe there is a way that we all just... make it out of this alive.” It didn’t sound believable, considering their experiences over the past several years, but... Well, he was making the effort. “I just... My job has been to study the worst-case scenarios. That’s been the thing that everyone wants of me, everyone expects of me.” He sighed. “I guess... I haven’t really let myself think about what I’d want instead. There’s been... so much else to handle.”

Commander Shepard was, after all, the hero of the galaxy, the first human Spectre, the savior of the Citadel, et cetera, et cetera. Too much external pressure, the only thing that really had been on his mind was defending others.

How could he switch that off so casually, compartmentalize enough to think about himself? 

Kaidan sighed. “So. We take some time. Figure what our next chapter should look like.”

“Take some time? Right now?” Shepard asked with a raised eyebrow – transit between systems and Relays could take a variable length of time, but they both knew that they were coming up on the upper end of their travel time to the rallying point. Once they joined the fleets, things were going to hit the fan soon after, and they’d all have to be on their toes.

“Sure. We start now... And you promise me that you’re going to be back to finish those plans.”

And back to that point. To Shepard’s credit, this time he didn’t decide to point out to Kaidan why it was that he couldn’t, why he found that such a struggle. He just smiled – a sad smile, the knowledge that one or both of their deaths was more likely than not weighing still. He was trying for Kaidan’s sake. 

The fact that Shepard couldn’t actually say the words... Neither missed that fact, and yet... In the moment, it didn’t seem like it was the damning thing it seemed on the surface.

“Whatever plans either of us make...” And whether or not they’d both live to put them into action... “...Let’s enjoy the moment we have, right now,” Shepard said.

That much made Kaidan nod. “True enough. It’s gonna be hell down there, after all.” And, considering the various hells they’d run through just to reach this point... The survivors would have nightmares for the rest of their lives. 

It was tempting to see dying, preferably in the act of putting this war to an end, as a better outcome, wasn’t it? 

Kaidan had one last approach. “Shepard... Whatever happens... I’ll be watching your back. As long as I’m there...”

“I know, Kaidan.” Shepard’s smile was genuine this time. “And it’s the same with me.” That much, at the least, he could consider a solid promise. He’d defend Kaidan’s life as long as he drew breath. 

Maybe that was enough, at least for now. The battle was coming, no way to stop that. If Shepard didn’t feel that he could plan or prepare for the future... He could plan on defending Kaidan until the battle was done. That would be something. After that...

After that would come after.


End file.
